Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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