Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
