Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
