bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
