oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
