Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
