Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Randomize
