I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
