u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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