Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
