I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
