do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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