Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
