Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
