i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
