It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
