i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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