I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
