By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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