I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
