Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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