Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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