i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
