I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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