He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
