well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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