I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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