Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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