I wannas sexs uuuuu
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
