Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
