Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize