My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
