her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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