I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
