She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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