god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
