I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
