I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize