well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
