Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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