i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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