Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I can't turn off my feet"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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