you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
