It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
