dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
