The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
