New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
