I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
