i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm having to shit out rocks
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