Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
