So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
