Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
