I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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