Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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