Christians are straight up FREAKS
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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