Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
