There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just threw up on my dentist
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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