Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize