Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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