Im at strip club and am horny
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
