just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
