how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize