I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
