Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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