ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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