If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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